Throat is all dried up. Legs feel like logs and refuse to move. Mind is blackened by the ever growing thundercloud that you could call anxiety - wallowing through the endless scenarios of all the things that could go wrong out on the sea and visions of the 30 meter rouge waves swallowing little boats like they were sticks. Last thing you'd want to do in this condition is to leave the marina.
Live footage of the storms this past winter here on the coast.
This is from Busselton Jetty.
Oh yes. This is all a true story about how I managed to develop a crippling fear of sailing this past winter. As you may know, the winter storms here around Perth in Western Australia are not pleasant. To be honest, most days under 20 meter vessels would struggle in the winter swell and some days even the big ferries have to cancel their trips. Josh being off every second week and me having only four days off with him together meant that we couldn't find any weather windows on our days off to take our boat out. Walking along the beach and the rock walls of the channel in Dawesville, staring at the three meter swells rolling in and the 40-60 knot winds breaking every wave out there until the whole horizon was nothing but whitecaps, whilst getting the icy rain hitting your face didn't really help my crippling anxiety at all.
Live footage of the scenarios playing in my head non stop.
There were many conversations over the dinner table. I even started getting this haunting feeling sneaking in if we had made a terrible mistake choosing this cruising life. It got so bad that when the summer finally arrived calming the seas and making the winds predictable again, I could not sail. There were few days when Josh was off when we could have taken the boat out to the sea, but I always found an excuse not to. I ran out of my excuses when it was finally time to sail the boat up to Mandurah for the haul out. It's an easy trip. Most often downwind, surfing the waves and only takes about an hour and a half. And just thinking about it made me stop breathing! I've never had such a feeling, I was seriously about to hug the toilet bowl just thinking about untying the lines and leaving the safety of a marina. I've always thought myself to be extremely resilient and strong minded - and there I was. Trying to find a way to tell my husband - and admitting myself - that I had severe anxiety about sailing. Me! I live on a sailboat! How could this be happening?
Josh ended up driving me up to a cafe next to the boatyard early in the morning of the haul out and sailing the boat with the assistance of our old sailing teacher. I was there greeting them when they arrived to the lift, and they were all smiles. It was strong winds that morning, but apparently the trip had been very pleasant surfing the waves downwind. I felt so defeated. These feelings I was battling with didn't help during the three weeks of boat work either. What was I working for? If I physically couldn't even take myself sailing, what is the point of all this hard work? Josh was obviously very understanding and patient with me through all this. What a partner!
After three weeks of work it was time to take the boat two hours south, back to the marina. This time it was just us two. Luckily we were so incredibly busy for the last three days that when they finally dipped us back in to the water I had had no time to think about this sail. I hadn't even checked the weather or the winds. All I knew was that at least the channel felt nice. Until we got out there. We did a mistake by not hoisting our mainsail in the channel already to give us some speed and stability, and after the channel we were greeted by moderate swell and strong breeze. I was at the helm, and I did not want to let go. It was the one thing I was in control of at that moment, and I couldn't physically get my fingers off the steering wheel. After a few heated arguments (mostly from my side) we decided to forget about trying to turn in the swell to hoist the sail and instead just motor all the way home. So silly, a sailor should know that a boat is less rocky if you have some sail up! I have never been more relieved than finally getting into the calm channel leading to our marina, out of the swell. After three long hours I could finally ease my grip. Or my anxiety released its grip on me.
After this we went straight on a holiday to visit family over the Christmas. I wrote a lot about my anxiety in my journals. I was trying to overcome it because we would be going for a five day sail training on our boat with our friends and a teacher when we got back home. There was a theory course we needed to do before the training, and whilst learning all the theory I came to realisation. I had forgotten nearly everything I had learned about sailing when I was working as a stewardess in the Whitsundays! Sitting on my butt in the marina for such a stormy, long winter I had forgotten how to read weather, how to navigate, how to plan a passage.. I realised, that nothing had changed. I have been through these winds and weather before, I have been in sticky situations on boats many times before and always came out winning. And that's because I had had the knowledge, the skills and experience and I had believed in myself. It wasn't sailing I was afraid of - it was my lack of confidence in myself that caused my anxiety.
I must admit, that during the first passage of the training trip I could feel the last bits of my anxiety holding on. That quickly disappeared, when it was my turn to take the helm and take us to a beautiful anchorage, spotting sea lions on a beach nearby and enjoying snacks. We reached many new speed records during the training, had many pleasant dinners and cups of wine, and swims in beautiful anchorages. We covered 135 nautical miles during our training, and despite manoeuvring our little Vellamo in tight marinas managed to keep her perfectly scratch free. We learned few new tricks and gained confidence in ourselves as cruisers and working as a team. By the end of the training looking at Josh enjoying the helm so much he couldn't stop smiling despite being cold and wet I can finally say with confidence, that I have lost my anxiety. At least for now. But hey, let's enjoy it while it lasts! And at least I know now how to get rid of it - by getting straight back on the saddle. Or in this case, behind the helm. Seven seas ahead ahoy!
